how to: not be a selfish person
I wouldn’t readily call myself a selfish person. When I was in my first relationship and still weird about sharing food because as an only child I just didn’t know how? Sure, selfish. It’s the deeply ingrained, personal habits that are a bit more difficult to point to. Yet, I must acknowledge that sometimes I am skilled at remaining unaware of how my actions impact those around me which, unfortunately, is the definition of selfishness. So here I am.
Living through the last week (month?) and witnessing the major impact COVID-19 has had on daily life in the U.S., I have remained grateful and aware of my extreme privilege. Oh, so people are actually leaving the city? I have a beautiful home to hunker down in just a short drive away. All non-essential business is shutting down? I will never be hungry or homeless. In fact, I am privileged enough to be able to look at an international crisis as an opportunity to work on my writing. If I’m being completely honest (which I am), it feels funny.
This is a batshit crazy transitional time we’re experiencing. So, since coming home on Saturday, I’ve been drinking copiously and not exercising nearly enough and eating tortellini for breakfast and generally being an unproductive, self-soothing individual. But! I was aware of it. And by no means was I mad at myself. It’s a weird time. I’m off the hook. No big deal. I’m quite good at protecting myself from negativity. The thing is: I’m sometimes so good at it that I fail to recognize the strongest coping mechanism of them all. It’s not sugar or alcohol or sleep, silly. Of course, of course! I’ve been looking on the bright side. And it has been blinding!
I spent time with a group of ten or so friends from home on Saturday night, my first night, when things “weren’t as serious”. I don’t know what I mean by that, really, but that’s what I thought. Through Wednesday, I spent significant amounts of time with those same people. My justification as things got worse? That it didn’t matter because I had already been exposed. That I was being very sanitary and safe.
I read the news. I’m not stupid. But clearly? I kinda am. The idea of self-quarantine is a simple concept: limit exposure and flatten the curve. And there I was… exposing myself? Bro, I’m laughing. I literally don’t even know how I convinced myself this was okay. I feel like a dumb dumb. All this time... aware of my privilege and somehow still abusing it. It’s mind boggling… but for some reason my knack for looking on the bright side relegated “quarantine” to a “temporary pause on adulthood as I know it because I am unemployed and living at home”. There was no sense of self-sacrifice because I was too busy figuring out how to make things feel okay for myself. Turns out, it is just not okay.
If you know me at all, you know I’m not saying don’t be optimistic. I am intrinsically very hopeful even as one of my jobs, which has made a lasting impact on my life, has already closed permanently. Maybe that’s what spurred the realization that yes, you Maggie, you are a part of this world. Hello, hi? Duh? I’m trying not to be hard on myself, but you’d think I would have realized this already. I’m literally Merry right now.
I’m writing this to empathize with different experiences and with different coping mechanisms, but mostly to hold myself accountable. I may look a little dumb. Whatever. That’s how to not be a selfish person.
That said, I am going to now take an opportunity to list everything I am indeed selfishly fucking tweaked about. I encourage everyone to do the same. Remember: it is healthy and damn good to be angry. Just don’t be stupid.