Fishbowl Brain (or Nothingness)

The silence is deafening. 

I stare at a dark screen with nothing to say. I cannot even think of the next sentence. 

5 minutes pass of staring into space. 

I return to the screen. Still nothing. 

This is what I call “fishbowl brain”. 

I know there’s someone home… a goldfish, for example… but he ain’t doing shit. He’s just floating there. Blowing air bubbles. Blinking stupidly.

Isn’t it also said that goldfish have no attention span? 5 seconds or so? 

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Fishbowl brain. 

Days like this happen. But do I fight against the nothingness? Or do I let it be and try again tomorrow? 

5 minutes pass of random half-thoughts. 

I don’t even have an answer to my question. 

— 

“Be willing to abandon the plan.”

So Co-Star mandated this morning. 

And it’s true. We must be willing to abandon the plan. Go with the flow… you know. Otherwise — you guessed it — we end up miserable fighting against the way of things. 

I can’t wake up in the morning. I sleep with my blinds open. And it’s not like the light wakes me up, it just helps me stay up when I do manage to peel open my eyes. 

I’m back in Amsterdam, and at this time of year, it gets fully bright around 8:30. This ruins me. I am ruined.

It doesn’t matter how well I sleep. I’ll sleep like a baby. Zero alcohol in my system. And still I cannot get up. I’ll snooze my alarm every 5 minutes for 2 hours straight and manage to fall completely asleep in the interim. Don’t ask me how. 

Anyway, as I am working on my own schedule and have quite a bit to do… this is frustrating. I finally get my ass out of bed and am immediately stressed because my to-do list for the day has been delayed 3 hours due to my brain’s inability to function as requested. 

I’m tired of waking up stressed. 

So I’m going to abandon the plan.

I’ll start my morning when my fishbowl brain feels like cooperating. And if that means working later into the day — fine. 

It’s not like I go out until midnight anyway.

—

I understand that not everyone has this luxury. “Abandoning the plan” might be the equivalent of getting fired for some. I see my privilege.

All’s to say… if something is clearly not working for you? Change it. 

Routine is important. But if you notice that a part of your routine is repeatedly making you unhappy or uncomfortable? It just shouldn’t be there. No?

If you have the power to change it… do it. 

—

Our skulls are like a fishbowl. And the mind is like a goldfish. In conclusion? I don’t honestly believe that you can make the “mind” do anything. 

The mind is going to be manic some days. Others, it’s going to be dead silent so much so that you think the fish is dead.

I’m pretty sure that all the power we have as humans lies in how we respond to it.

I can keep poking at the bowl to see if the fish will do a backflip or something. Anything.

Or I can just sit back and enjoy the bubbles.

ONWARDS,

Mag