Wat Pa Tam Wua (and Desire)
“Desire is the root of all suffering.”
Buddhism has many conceptions. Each one will lead you back to this point in one way or another.
As a non-religious person, I’ve found myself drawn to Buddhism in various iterations at various points in life. I have experienced what I feel to be some kind of intrinsic understanding. I think this is because, at its best, Buddhism is a way of life: the principles can be applied entirely outside of religion.
It is for this reason, coupled with my on-again/off-again relationship with meditation, that I found myself isolated in the Thai mountains on the border of Myanmar at Wat Pa Tam Wua, a Buddhist monastery.
Anyone is welcome to stay at Wat Pa Tam Wua. But there is a schedule. And it is mandatory. So long as you choose to stay, you agree to live like a monk. Here’s the breakdown.
5am: Wake up, practice individual mediation
6:30: Ceremonial rice offering to the monks
7: Breakfast — all food is vegan
8: Morning Dharma talk, walking meditation, seated meditation
11: Lunch
1pm: Lecture, longer seated meditation
4: Cleaning the monastery (sweeping, raking leaves, washing dishes, etc..)
5: Free time
6: Evening chanting (in Thai) and meditation
8: Drink tea or hot chocolate, relax
Sleep
Also, it’s 100% free.
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The whole ordeal intrigued me. Plus, I needed some alone time. So I hopped on a little ol’ bus from the little ol’ backpacker paradise of Pai and took the bumpy two hour journey into the middle of the jungle. Open mind. Open heart. Ready for whatever the experience might bring. I told myself I would stay for three nights, no matter what.
I cut out after two.
It wasn’t the fact that we couldn’t eat after noon. It wasn’t sleeping on a wooden “bed” — no mattress, no pillow. It wasn’t the day to day agony of being with your own thoughts for hours on end. It wasn’t back pain, or boredom, or even loneliness.
I felt like I wasn’t part of the world. I felt like I wasn’t even real. It was horrible.
I’m sure living an enlightened life of the utmost simplicity and bare necessity is really nice. I’m not being sarcastic. It sounds very peaceful, truly. But, this deep dive into a life of no attachment made me realize something almost immediately. And I think about it nearly every day.
I love life.
And by that I mean, I love all of it. Even in my lowest moments, the darkest, deepest holes of shit… there is a sense of relief, an easing of pressure, and yes, a slight pleasure. This moment of pain is temporary and I will have lived just a little bit more because of it. Maybe it’s the actor in me, but I believe the ability to return to this thought is one of my greatest strengths. Because… is it not fully crazy to be human, to have a brain and thoughts and feelings? How did we get here? How is this possible? Isn’t it a miracle to be alive?
My heart is broken. How silly of me to want that job, that person, that vacation. I’m never going to want anything again! … Well, okay. Good luck with that.
If desire is the root of all suffering, I say: let me suffer. It is far more exciting to want something and not get it then not want at all. Desire is energizing. Wanting makes us human.
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Image: an open air space. It is night. Dim fluorescent light reflects off a polished wooden floor. Silence save for the wind in the trees, the mosquitos. A few dozen people dressed in all-white sit spaced out on cushions. They are still and upright, eyes closed. One of them is crying.
Not because her back hurts, but because she is happy. Simply happy to keep on living.
I left the next morning. After breakfast, of course. I was starving.
Onwards,
Mag